Blind Luck
by Georgianna
Summary: girl falls into ME right? this one does, without her much needed glasses and only wearing a big tee and undies! now she must go with the fellowship with nothing but a stick to keep her from running into trees! where will it end? Schizomania! R&R pretty pl
1. getting to that one place

**Disclaimer- I do not own any of these characters. Except maybe Autumn, Jessie, and a few other people in the "human world". Did I forget anything?**

Key

_:elvish:_

_**magic making **_

_Thoughts_

"Normal speech"

Chapter 1

Getting To That One Place…

Autumnquickly stuffed a few necessities into her knapsack. Bundling a few of her clothes into rolls and stuffing them under her blankets, she surveyed the effect as she shoved her thick glasses higher up onto the bridge of her nose. It was an old trick, but one that had been tried and proven many times. She sprinkled a few crumpled tissues on the floor and where her head would have been. She had made sure to complain of a headache and stuffy nose when she got home, so she would have some time, and no one would think to check to see if it was really her under there. She slipped on her Chuck Taylor's and cautiously opened the door, she could hear her mother crashing around in the kitchen and the television blaring, no one would hear her. She stole down the hall to the fire escape window, and slipped out. Crouching there below the window for a moment, she listened for any sounds of pursuit. Nothing. _No surprise there, pissants. _

She tapped (A/N: huh, tapped?) down the fire escape and out of the alleyway into the streets of New York City! Broadway! Excitement! Potheads! More potheads! Old people scolding the potheads! Heheh.

Any hoot, Autumn ran about three blocks before, _Ah, shit! _She turned into the nearest phone booth.

Ring. Ring. Ring. Ring (A/N- and so on for a few more seconds). "Halloo?" came a female voice through the ear piece.

"Jessie!" Autumn gasped, "Can I stay at your place for a bit?"

"Uh…" She waited with baited breath. "OKIES!"

Autumn winced away, mumbling about how she'd be there in a few.

"So, you decided to 'get away' huh?" chirped Jessie after dinner (yum! Fooooooood…).

"Yup," replied Autumn languidly (ooo! Big word heehee.) "I just wanted to escape from," here she lowered her voice to the narrator's impression. "The dreaded Elizabeth! Ooaaaaauuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrr!" Jessie collapsed in a fit of giggles and Autumn strolled out of the adjoining bathroom.

"Nice shirt," Jessie said grinning. "And may I say what a lovely pair of legs you have?"

Jessie chortled as Autumn twisted and posed provocatively. She was wearing an oversized red T-shirt that had the words "Here I am, what are your other two wishes?" underneath was just a simple red girl boxer. "Oh, yes. You know I'm hot!" she drawled wickedly.

"Yeyah, babay!" Jessie choked. "Come to me now!" The two collapsed in giggles.

After a good long laugh at the expense of each other, they both crawled into the blankets. And after a moment of silence broken by car horns and colorful curses, Jessie spoke up.

"Autumn?"

"Hmm?"

"Why don't you like your family?" Autumn sighed as she pondered to find a delicate way to put it. There was absolutely no way.

"Well," She began. "I guess it could have something to do with the fact that my mother is a psychotic homophobic, who believes that I hide a bong in the bathroom. Or it may be that my father is a shivering wimp who agrees with everything that SHE says to save his own ass. Maybe it's my sister, who can't seem to go three seconds without trying, no, actually succeeding in getting me in trouble every day for no other reason than that I won't do everything including sitting up and begging on her command."

Silence from the other end. Then a sigh of confusion drifted through the air.

Autumn said nothing more, deciding then that it was prudent to just fall asleep. Her glasses gleamed in the soft glow of the streetlamp through the window.

Silence. That's all there was. Ordinarily to you country folks (heehee) this might not have been all that abnormal. But Autumn was a city girl. She was used to hearing some sort of noise, horns, yelled curses, the loud murmurs of many conversations. This quiet was positively unholy. She propped open one eye, then snapped open the other in shock. There was color! Greens, blues, browns, reds, and a gorgeous sandstone hue. She reached out to where she had originally put her glasses. Suddenly alarmed she got to her hands and knees and began frantically searching for her main mode of sight.

Their was an uprising of masculine murmurs around her and she panicked and began chanting under her breath, "Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god,"

_: How did she manage to work this sorcery:_

_: I do not know, but it is not something that should be.:_

_Oh, fabulous. _Autumn thought. _First I'm kidnapped, and then the perpetrators are talking gibberish. Fantastico! _She spoke up in a tremulous voice, "Please," she stammered. "Please, I can't see. Please give me back my glasses."

Silence.

Then, a small splotch of color detached itself from the rest. Approaching her cautiously she watched it warily, hoping it didn't have some sort of an ulterior motive. As it came into focus, her eyes widened in shock and horror. _Oh my fligger flub! _It was a fookin hobbit! An honest to MFG hobbit! A small whimper forced its way out of her throat. He hesitated, and then gently set his hand on her shoulder, like she was a frightened animal that he should be very delicate with. A small part of her snorted at that thought, but was quickly engulfed by the sound of him saying,

"You are going to be all right, we mean you no harm." His face seemed friendly enough. So she gathered enough courage to say,

"Who are you and where the hell am I!"

A chuckle sounded from the general direction of where the hobbit had come from. And a tall smear of grey stepped forward. "That is Mister Frodo Baggins," A horrible feeling started in the pit of my stomach. "And you are in Rivendell." That feeling exploded into little shiny bits.

A shrill scream of pure shock and PMSiness sliced through the air. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

All the colors stumbled back with cries of pain and some colorful curses thrown in.

_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! _She thought, ignoring this lovely fact. _Why, god, why! _

She pulled her knees to her chest and began rocking back and forth and making small animal sounds in the back of her throat and babbling nonsense.

**Authors Note: thanks for reading this, its absoballylutely fabulous of you. I realized after a bit that I was teetering dangerously close to making this a Mary Sue at the part where she starts asking for her glasses, but I think I bounced back rather nicely with the screaming and stuff. It's my first fanfic, so please be kind and tell me what a flame is? Lol. Love to all and sundry! And don't forget to review. Thankya! **

**Goergiana**


	2. sticks and stones

**Disclaimer- If I owned any of these characters, they would all be babbling sycophants. Thank god for Tolkien.**

Key

_:elvish:_

**_magic_**

_Thoughts_

"Normal"

**Chapter 2**

**Sticks and Stones...**

After much babbling on her part, and much grunting and heaving on the part of the two persons summoned, Autumn was finally taken to a lovely room for her to be kept. Another person, female this time, helped the mumbling girl into a big, fat, cushy bed and tucked her in tightly.

Finally left to herself, Autumn drifted off to dream thing. It was horrible. Her hair grew to her knees and took on a silk-like texture, her boobs exploded into size; they looked like Pamela Andersons boobs. Her ears grew pointy... she had turned into a Mary Sue! Oh the horror! Perfection made flesh!

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" Autumn thrashed into wakefulness, sweating profusely. Panicking, she felt her breasts, hair and ears. She sighed in relief. Her boobs were still A-cup, her hair was still just to her back, and her ears were still round.

She smiled happily and bounced out of bed, surprisingly cheerful for one who had gone to sleep in her own world, then had woken up in the middle of an apparently important gathering in nothing but her big tee and undies then had proceeded to... _don't remind me._ Oh, hem, sorry.

She got out of bed and looked for a way out. In a few moments, she had slammed straight into a wall due to her lack of sufficient eyesight (A/N koffkoff). She grumbled a bit, and then felt along the wall looking for... something. Ah! Tall, wide, double doors, wardrobe! She flung open the doors and was bouncing for joy when her questing fingers discovered… clothing! She hurriedly changed into some sort of dress thing and began feeling around the walls once more. There. A door, she opened it then stumbled back hissing. Light! She already had plenty bad sight, the blinding light of the untampered with outdoors was just too much. Thankfully, a shadow fell over her and she sighed in relief.

Autumn looked up to see the same tall grey smear which had kindly pointed out that Toto was no longer in Kansas, er, New York (go grey smear!). Accompanying this smear was... yet another tall smear! This one was greenish, with a long brown cap that she hazarded to be hair.

"You should be in bed." said Grey Smear, "You've had quite a shock it seems."

"Well then. Could you help me get to it, be my depth perception?" He leaned down (yes it did turn out to be a guy) and proceeded to help her up. When he grew closer, and came into focus, it turned out to be an old man with a long grey beard and friendly eyes. They turned to look at a vague big blue blob that she was pretty certain was her bed. They sidled over to it, it was indeed the bed!

She hauled herself up onto her bed, getting a few false starts, a few flops, and a dash of altogether falling off, before settling herself quite nicely with the covers pulled up to her lap. She primly folded her hands then said, "So, how can I help you?"

A smile flickered over the blurred face of the old man. "My name is Gandalf the Grey,"

_Figures..._

"And this is Lord Elrond of Rivendell."

_Again, figures._

"He has some questions that he would like to ask you." Finished Gandalf with a warning glance to the elf that approached the wide bed (no insinuations there, promise!). He had a stern face with thick brows that winged up to his temples. They made him look kinda creepish. _Mwahahahahahahahahha!_

Elrond glared down at her, and Autumn, thinking that he might have read her mind-like-thing, gave him a bright and vacuous smile.

He cleared his throat, opened his rather pinched mouth and asked, "Who are you, and how did you get here?"

The girl coughed a bit, then looked up and smirked. "My name is Autumn, and as to how I got here, do you think I would have put on the show I did a bit ago if I knew?" The wizard and elf glanced at each other.

"Let me put it this way," The elf lord said, his voice growing cold. "If you do not tell us, you shall have to be put under a high truth spell." something told her that the truth spell was not a lovely daisy picking trip by the way that Gandalf looked askance at the lord.

Immediately wiping the smirk off of her face, Autumn quickly began telling them all she knew.

"I swear, I have no idea how I got here. All I know is that I went to sleep at my friend Jessie's place, and then I woke up here!" Elrond didn't look convinced, _be convinced, darn it!_ "If I actually wanted to be here, would I have left my glasses, my only way of seeing things, back home? And don't you think that I would have actually gotten dressed first?"

"You could have done these things merely to throw suspicion off yourself. And how do we know that you indeed, cannot see?"

The girl glared at his fuzzy form, alarm firing all over in her head. "I ran into the wall earlier, does that satisfy you?"

"And yet you look at us as if you can see." The stupid elf said smugly. "Can you explain that?"

"Yes, actually, I can. I am not blind, merely extremely short sighted. I can see things quite clearly if they get close enough. And I can see the walls and things, but my sight being as it is, it means that I cannot tell how far away it is until it is too late. By then my nose is quite flat." Autumn was ridiculously pleased with herself for presenting such an articulate argument, always before she had been the one who stuttered through English class. In fact, she was never much of an academic star. Mostly she stuck to being average (thank god).

"We believe you, Lady Autumn." Gandalf spoke up, and Autumn jumped. She had completely forgotten that the wizard was there. "There is no taint of the Dark Lord upon you. However, since we still do not know how you got here, you shall have to accompany me to Lothlorien to pay our respects to the Lady of Light."

Confusion scribbled itself all over the interior of Autumn's mind. _Who in the hell is that?_ Memory kicked her in the shins. _Oh, yeah, that slow woman who acts like she's in a haze half the time._ Autumn sighed and agreed. That would mean going with the guys who were in the movie. She got the best look she could get of the wizard, deciding that he didn't look all that different from the guy in the movie. _What am I thinking? What does it matter, I won't be able to see these people anyway, and it's unlikely that they'll ever get close enough for me to see them. What do I care how they look?_ Yay! That meant no Mary Sueness!

Autumn sat on a comfortable cushion facing a tall blond man. "My name is Glorfindel. I will be teaching you to care for yourself in dangerous situations. Now, we will begin with… will you please pay attention!"

Autumn snapped back to the real world. "Sorry! What was that?" True to her nature, Autumn's attention hadbegun wondering after he told her his name. This often happened at school, and it looked like there was no difference on another world. The elf sighed.

_By the Valar, is this what I am going to have to teach in four days?_ He shook his head and muttered something uncomplementoryin elvish. The foreigner's attention had already strayed to la la land. "Milady, please, I only have four days to teach you the skills you need."

"Uhuh," She replied in a lazy dazed tone.

"Autumn!" he shouted.

"Gah! What, what?"

Glorfindel began speaking fast, hoping that he'd be able to get out at least half of the lesson before her mind took a siesta… _where'd that come from?_ "You will be using a stick cut to your waist. It has been cored with elvish steel, which will give it some weight and extra oomph (behold the non-elfishness). In order to wield it properly, you will need to practice using it to feel your way around, and learn to listen!" He finished this with a deep breath.

Okay, she was looking at him; he would try to fit in a bit more. He brought the stick from behind his back and handed it to her. She brought it close to her face and studied it minutely, smiling in pleasure. And rightly so, it was a beautiful piece. An ash wood short staff that was, as was said before, cored with elvish steel that balanced beautifully. The wood had glyphs and symbols for protection and strength carved deeply into it.

"So I just swing this around and whack people in the head? Neatio!" Autumn chirped cheerfully. Glorfindel drooped. Obviously most of the lesson had passed way over her head.

"No, you do not just, 'whack people over the head', you need to listen for them, learn to derive whether it is friend or foe. Be more selective who you decide to 'whack'." He added, hoping that simplifying the words might get it into the crevices of her mind.

"Okays."

He sighed. This was going to be a very long four days.

**Authors Note- Yay! I got 1 review! I shall now do my funky chicken victory dance! Weeeeeee! Nehoo, needs must be met, I shall now thank Jaffee Leeds, cuz she is the awesomest and her review bears answering.**

**Hem, to Jaffee Leeds: Thank you so much for the suggestion and the story recommendation, I loved it! And I shall try to keep in mind the swearing thing. Now as to your question on Autumn's orientation. No. She is very straight, and the only reason I added in her mother's homophobia was because she is very much homophobic. So that all works out, bad mommy!**

**Authors note again- I must warn those who are the coolest and have read my story so far. THIS WILL DEVIATE FROM THE ORIGINAL STORY! Boromir may still die but this story focuses on the blind chick. The other guys are simply escorts. Really hot escorts but escorts non-the less. And it is highly unlikely that this will turn into a romance, since Autumn can't see them anyway, so how can she fall in love if she cannot see the person she's trying to fall in love with? If this pis- I mean, makes you sorrowful (nearly slipped Jaffee!), let me know. I will immediately re-figure this out. Reviews are badly needed, because they are my preciousssssssssss…. ****Heehee.**


	3. dun dun duuuuunnnn

**Disclaimer- This is getting rather repetitive. I own nothing!**

**Thank you to the people who have reviewed! You are the awesomest. **

**Soullesseyes- **I love your name! It's so funkay. And yes, I think that that wish could go for every one. You're reading this right?

**Angelsfyre1- **Gah! Bad Angel! You should not be planting ideas in this thing that I have come to refer to as a brain! But I wonder….

**FallenTruth- **Yay! Thank you so very much; my confidence has shot up another 50 miles. You walk into walls too? That can't be good. Here's the update.

**Key**

_: elvish:_

_**Magic**_

_Thoughts_

**Chapter 3**

**Dun Dun Duuuuuuunnn…**

**Fonk!**

For the third time in the past half hour, Autumn ran into an uncomfortably solid sandstone wall. Her nose was not happy with her.

But the two elves that had volunteered to guide her around the manor seemed to be having a grand old time. _Good for them._** Fonk!** _Owie._

Muffled masculine laughter bubbled up on either side of her. The two dark- haired (from what she could get from the vague glimpses she got) elves had introduced themselves as Elrohir and Elladan. These names of course meant nothing to her, but our incredibly talented, yet humble authoress who knows all, does know who these people are. That is why she has earned the right to use them in this beautiful story.

The twin sons of Elrond Half- Elvin, being the mischievous souls that they are, had been leading her around the numerous passages, when suddenly, a marvelous idea occurred to the elder of the two.

_: Let us see if what is said about this girl is true.:_ Elrohir whispered in Elvish, which he needn't have bothered, Autumn couldn't understand them, and she really didn't much care.

_: Splendid idea, brother of mine! The walls are perfect for our little experiment, don't you_ _think:_

_: I couldn't agree with you more old chap. Let Mission: Blind Human commence:_

And so the two proceeded to introduce her to the lovely walls. And she seemed to grow quite close with them. Indeed, the evidence of their friendship was blatant in the way her nose was turning a gorgeous shade of purple.

Of course Autumn said nothing about all this, attributing her discomfort to the loss of her glasses, and of course, her own clumsiness.

Thankfully, the trio made it to the entryway of the council chambers before Autumn could either be knocked out from the overabundance of "fonk's", or finally figured out that she was being toyed with. _Yes, we hates them precious, the nasty elves's that made us walk into walls, we hates them!_

At least the twins were gentlemanly enough to assist the rather dizzy girl into her seat. But that might have had something to do with the knowing glare that was being fired at them from Gandalf's direction.

_: Care to explain why her nose is now double its original size:_ Asked Gandalf mildly, causing the two to wince as Frodo engaged the girl in conversation.

_: What can we say? Humans are not as graceful as the elves, and she has terrible sight.:_

Gandalf gave Elladan the same stare that Elrond had bestowed upon Autumn four days before. The one that says, _I am so not buying this._Before the twins could collapse in weeping heaps and spill their guts however, a herald entered and announced the arrival of the esteemed Lord Elrond Half- Elvin. They took this timely maneuver to escape to a corner.

He looked so regal, descending the entry steps, and settling himself gracefully as only an elf can be in his seat. He surveyed the council with his head held high. Of course, Autumn could not see this, and at the risk of her sounding like a winy baby, _Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhahahahahhhhhhhhhh!_

"You are all gathered here to decide the fate of this object, this one doom. Bring forth the ring, Frodo."

And the young Hobbit hesitantly crept forward, placing the shiny golden object on the pedestal. Meanwhile, Autumn rubbed her nose, and wondered what she was doing there in the first place, seeing as how she couldn't see squat, and already knew what was going on, so what was the point? Nothing was going to change. Or was it?

A red and brown splotched form came forward. "I had a dream,"

_Apparently not._

"That the land was covered in a mass of shadow, but in the west, a pale light lingered. And a voice cried out, 'Isildur's bane has been found!'." Our celebrated writer forgets the rest. But what ever it was apparently was enough to get the grey smeared form of Gandalf up on his feet and begin shouting out more gibberish similar to the stuff that Autumn had heard the twins talking in.

This gibberish though, caused the skies above darken and the earth to quake and a debilitating coldness to fill the hearts of all that was there.

**_Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum- ishi krimpatul._**

When it was over, Elrond swallowed the bile that had come into his mouth. "Never before has the tongue of Mordor been spoken here."

"I do not ask your pardon, Master Elrond. For soon the language of Mordor may yet be heard in all corners of the world. The ring is all together, evil!" And, having said his piece, the old wizard creaked his way back to his seat.

Meanwhile, Autumn was enjoying an itchy, tickling sensation in her nose. No, that does not mean that she was picking her nose for all you weirdo's out there.

She reached up, wiped her nose and looked down to see a bright red smear on her hand. "Ew,"

Frodo looked over, gasped, miraculously produced a hanky, _Wow, magic_, and proceeded to help clean up her face.

_I now know my purpose in this council._ She thought in a serious tone. _It is to get a bloody nose whenever people talk weird._ That's right Autumn, doesn't that make you feel better?

Right. That's informative. Hem. So the splotch that at this moment seemed to resemble dried blood, was going on about how the ring was a gift, and, "Why not use this ring? Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy; let us use it against him!"

Abruptly, the urge to laugh turned cartwheels in her throat and launched itself repeatedly at her teeth. I am sure you can all guess what happened next. Yes, she immediately shoved her fist into her mouth to control the giggles, the only side affect being rivulets of drool edging out of the corners of her mouth.

_Drrrrrrrrooooooooooooooooolllll…_

"You cannot wield it, none of us can. The one ring answers to Sauron alone. It has no other master!" Yes, my precious and all the fangirls out there. That was indeed Ara….

"And what, would a mere ranger know of this?" This was voiced in scorn.

_Ah! How dare you? Queue the hottie…_

A yellow topped streak leaped forward, "This is no mere ranger," _Yeeehehehehehe!_ "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance."

Shock had crept into the despised voice. "Aragorn," heavy breathing had arisen, _eh?_ "This, is Isildur's heir?"

"And heir to the throne of Gondor."

Silence… boy, now does that sound familiar?

_: Sit down pretty boy, I have the situation under control and require no further input on your part.:_

And yet they have remained friends for this long?

So, then they actually got into the ugly business of Elrond gabbing about how "One of you, must destroy this ring." And every one got all quiet again.

"One does not simply waltz into Mordor," _He actually said that?_ "Blahbitty blah blah, and the great eye. The very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly."

"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said?"

"Not really." This was from Autumn, but no one paid any attention.

"The ring must be destroyed!"

"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it?" Quite obviously, Gimli.

"And if we fail, what then?" _Shut up moron._ "What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?" _Or don't._

"I WILL BE DEAD BEFORE I SEE THE RING IN THE HANDS OF AN ELF."

Shouting arose all over. "No one trust an elf!"

Feeling delighted at the prospect of a debate, Autumn got up and walked with her newfound skill with a stick over to a short grey haired figure.

"Hello," She chirped. The blob looked up at her in surprise. "The name's Autumn. Yours?"

She was sized up critically, "You don't look like an elf," Autumn laughed.

"I should hope not, they must go through some bad growing pains."

Approval radiated from the dwarf. "My name is Gloin. I am the Father of Gimli over there." The blurry head nodded over to the frizzy looking form shouting at more yellow topped streaks.

"Ah," Autumn nodded knowingly. "Rather rash going off at the elves like that. Can't be good for the lungs."

This surprised a laugh out of Gloin, deciding that he liked this strange, stick- bearing girl. _At least she isn't trying to control things here._

They conversed for a few more moments while the ruckus grew around them, until,

"I will take it." No reaction from the crowd. "I will take it!" Immediate hush throughout the court yard. "I will take the ring to Mordor."

Autumn was still peering around, trying to locate the hobbit, and Gloin, ever helpful, reached up and directed her head in Frodo's direction.

"Though," Here there was an audible gulp. "I do not know the way."

"I will help you bear this burden Frodo," Gandalf the smear moved to the brown dots side. "As long as it is yours to bear."

Another smear, assumed by all to be Aragorn, stepped forward with purpose in his very stance. Another thing that Autumn would have given anything to see.

"If by my life or death I can protect you." To Autumns eyes, the smear that was the heir of Isildur, shrank, when in reality he was only kneeling. "You have my sword."

"And you have my bow." All lady's, swoon on the count of three… one.

"And my axe." Uh… two.

Dried blood smear moved forward. "If it is the will of the council, then Gondor will see it done." _Aaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Nooooooo!_

….. Three?

This was not good, at all.

"Here!" Another dot bounced over to the gathering mass. "Mister Frodo's not goin' anywhere without me." _Aaahh. Good old Sam._

"Indeed, I believe it's quite impossible to separate you, even when he is invited to a secret council and you are not."

_Indeed, party pooper._ She thought as Sam shifted uncomfortably.

"Oi! We're coming too!"

_Mughhahahahahahahahhahahkaffkaff, oo, not so good on the throat, I love Lilo and Stitch._

"Yes, you need someone with intelligence on this sort of mission… quest… thing."

Autumn just could not hold it in any longer. The drool was not an option, so…

"HeheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheheIloveyouhahahahackptoo. I'm done."

_Why is everyone looking at me like that?_

Ummmm, you're shining good looks? Anyhow. The council wasn't the only people that were staring at her. In fact, if looks could fry, Autumn would have been a shriveled attempt at a sunny-side-up if she could have seen it.

And the look just kept coming, as Autumn remained blissfully unaware of it. Until finally, when the elf lords eyes looked like they were about to pop out of their sockets and the whole council chamber was filled with an uncomfortable silence, the twins moved forward and whispered in her ear.

"It's your turn," said Elladan quietly.

"My turn what?" Elrond was starting to turn red.

They held her elbows andguided herto the fellowship (although they were not known as that yet but whatever). "You must pledge yourself to Frodo's cause." This from Elrohir.

"Oh. Well why didn't you say so?" She separated herself from the twins and walked over to the shifting mass. "You have my stick and non-existing eyesight." She said, smiling down on Frodo.

"Ah," laughter rippled throughout the room, as the twins hurried over to her, moved her over a bit and positioned her head to face another dot. "That's Frodo."

"Oh. Well, again, you have my non-existing sight and the stick." She said without turning a hair. Another example of her ADD.

**Authors Note- This chapter is so long! I am so accomplished! Any hoot. I want to thank you all for reading this note because it is extremely important.**

**The tragedy at New Orleans has hit extremely hard, too many families. Including, but not only, the family of Mr. and Mrs. Jackson. They were sheltered in their home from the storm, making preparations to leave, when their house split in two, separating Tony, the mother of two children and wife of Harvey Jackson, from the rest of her family. She still has not been found. May she be kept safe and if already passed, may she have done so in peace. Hopefully, her family has found a place to stay for the duration, finding peace of mind in the process.**

**So, on another note, REVIEW! Not, on the note, but… just click the go thing. **


	4. witz bad joke

**Disclaimer- I only own the contract to Tolkien's soul. That has to say something, right?**

**Lady Venya of the isle- yes, I love it too, but then, I'm just prejudiced cuz it's MINE! Hope you like this one too.**

**FallenTruth- now I can tell you… in this chapter. Hah! I win! The suspense is just killing you huh? Oh and thank you for adding me to your alerts. Read on!**

**Guest- added! Thank you by the way.**

**Alex Hemming- ditto to the above.**

**ArwenEvenstar83- actually, she is that blind! I'm just like her! Kinda. I'm not as sexy… twitch. Enjoy!**

**Angelsfyre1- Wow that is the best compliment I've gotten! Mostly I'm told that my humor is, a little less than normal (koffkoffcrazykoff). And your friends are EVIL! Like the twinssss… _kiiiillll_… I'm not homicidal! Hope you like this chapter.**

**Chapter 4**

**Witz (it means bad joke)…**

"I cannot believe that the council would let a young lady pledge herself to the quest of destroying the ring like that! It is unseemly, and a lady of all people! Why, in my day…"

At this point, Autumn had just tuned the fussy old maid out of her hearing. Not that the beautiful elf woman could be classified as an "old maid", but she was old. About three thousand years old, but Autumn wasn't really thinking of that at the moment. No, she was dwelling on the fact that she had been trying to tell Frodo that, "Oh, yeah homie, I got yo back!" but had instead conveyed the message to… it was just too horrible. She blushed at the horrifying thought.

I mean… it was… never mind. But still, how terrifying is that… _I do not need to be reminded of this_. Sorry. Needless to say, she was in a bad mood. Yes, I know it looked like she was unperturbed, but as soon as she got back into the room, and the elleth started in about the council, Autumn had asked the twins before they left, who she had mistakenly addressed.

Though Autumn could not see it, and the maid didn't care, they looked at each other, debating whether to just tell a white little lie, or to be evil.

Evil made its mark quite well known in the way they grinned at each other.

"Well, we weren't going to tell you but…" Elladan (they always seem to talk in this pattern) said.

"But it was Legolas', er, 'lower region'" They strolled cheerily away, leaving Autumn with a sense of complete and total shock. Similar to the feeling that she had gotten when she had arrived to this place of terror. Walls that inexplicably appeared in front of your nose; and elf crotches! What a mess.

"Well, I am certainly not going to allow you to journey on this without wearing a proper dress, which is for sure."

Now do not get me wrong, but this was going to be a really long trip. How inmiddle earthwas Autumn going to survive in a dress? _I love dresses, but, seriously._

"How about… no." Was her reply.

She could feel the sizzle on her temple. "You are a lady, and if that means you wear a dress on the journey, then you will wear a dress!"

Before things could get ugly, there was a quiet tap on the door.

_Oh, my god! It's Legolas and he's gonna kill me for talking to his _**bleep**

"Hide me or kill me, but do something!" she wailed at the misty form of the elleth.

**_I shall dub thee, Asriel!_** Asriel rolled her eyes and stalked over to the door… and **opened it**, to the terror of the whimpering girl who had rolled off of the bed, and now lay huddled underneath it.

"Milady!" she gasped. _: I did not know you were back in Rivendell:_ Now, Autumn did not know elvish, so she was left in the dark about what was going on. But she had understood the "Milady" part, so she knew it wasn't Legolas.

_It's Legolas' girlfriend and she is here to kill me for talking to his _**bleep**

"Yes, I am back, and I had hoped to meet the newcomer who had created such a fuss in the manor. Is she here?"

_I'm gonna diiiiiiiiieeeeeee!_

"Oh," Asriel voiced in disgust. "She's hiding under the bed."

_Damn you elf for your treachery!_

The bed skirt lifted and a lovely face appeared. The elleth would have been gorgeous, but old man blurriness got in the way.

"Good afternoon milady, my name is Arwen Evenstar. Would you like to come out from there now?" ….. _She so does not look like the movie chick._

It did not look to Arwen that Autumn was capable of getting out on her own, so she grabbed her arm and began to pull.

Asriel joined in with an iron will. Ah, how she loved that sweet girl. _Sweet girl my left foot! She needs a good week of kitchen chores._

Yes, well, hem. Soon, they had gotten the human out from the small space (amazing where we can go if we put our mind to it), and sitting on the feathery mattress.

"So, I hear you are to go with the fellowship on their quest." Arwen said, hoping to get the shaking young lady to loosen up and talk to her.

"Uh…"

Success! Cheers for Arwen Evenstar of the elves! Today her prize will be…

"The mean elleth is trying to get me to wear a dress on the thing."

Arwen blinked, and Autumn covered her mouth looking horrified. So did Asriel, for that matter. But, may the Valar grace her; she managed to keep her mouth shut. Arwen smiled.

"Well, you need not wear a dress, I am sure that you may need to wear one in Lothlorien, but not all the way there." Asriel looked fit to implode, but was halted by the elf lady's next words.

"There are however, leggings that are full in the leg, and indeed look like dresses when you stand."

Both Asriel and Autumn brightened. Asriel, because Autumn would at least partially look like a lady. And Autumn, because it looked like she was not going to die, and she wouldn't have to wear a dress on that long trek across middle earth. So it was all gooood.

When the elleths had finished gearing Autumn up and fiddling around with her hair, they stood back and let her twist in front of the mirror that she could not see. So I shall now describe it for you, with the help of our delightful authoress.

Theleggings were indeed, loose and comfortable, dyed a simple hunter green. And when she stood on the ground with her legs together, it really did look like a skirt. Her top was a knee-length robe that split in the front and back, to allow for riding if it was ever needed and it had beautiful swirls of seasonal colors all over a background of leaf bud green.

Even Asriel couldn't complain, although she did try. Her mouth would open, her eyes bright as a magpie, then she would shut it. Then she would open it, then it would shut. This would go on for a while.

They wrestled on her boots, then Asriel handed the confident human her elvin wrought stick. Striking out purposefully, Autumn slammed hard into the door frame.

People rushed about getting ready for the goodbye gathering for the fellowship. Things were rather hectic. Indeed, Arwen seemed to disappear in a few moments of leaving the building with Autumn and the evil twins Elladan and Elrohir. _Gee, I wonder where she went…_ get your mind out of the gutter you dirty, dirty girl!

_Mughahahahahahahahhahahahahaha!_

Scary. They walked her around for a bit, then as everyone started calming down and gathering to one place, they deposited her in the area that she would stand in and vanished. _Evil elvsis!_ The same fuzzy grey lump that she remembered talking to yesterday at the council waddled up.

"I see that you are ready to go on your little jaunt?" came the strong voice. He drew near and Autumn could kind of see him. Gloin was cool! He had an aged leathery face, and his hair was still thick and bushy as ever even with the grey. He was short, like one would expect, but he exuded the kind of authority that made him seem as tall as a basketball player.

"Yup. Iiiii'm ready, I'm ready." She said, doing her best Sponge Bob impression. He chuckled, surprisingly already used to her strange antics, whichare quitecommon in our little home.

Everyone else just edged away. But Autumn didn't see, or didn't care.

In a relatively short time, things were organized and more and more people began gathering. Gloin led her to the fellowship, patted her hand and left her.

She risked a glance over the fellowship and saw a tall yellow topped streak that she was pretty certain was the elf prince himself. And she was pretty certain that he was staring at her. Autumn could feel an embarrassed flush layering itself over her face. _Stop looking at me! Elves should not be looking at me!_ He started walking over to her.

_I'm gonna diiiiiiiiiieeeeeee! He's gonna kill me for…_ yes we know. _No respect._ That's right.

"Good afternoon." _Help… me… _and waste a perfectly good scene? I think not. Autumn looked up at the blurred, yet still breathtakingly, beautifully handsome face of Prince Legolas of Mirkwood himself.

And the movies had not done him an ounce of justice. He was **way** hotter than Orlando Bloom. You may be thinking, "yeah, right, no such possibility." Well, the possibility was standing right there in front of our shocked character, his face only a foot away, and two feet up. He was a **tall** hottie with a body! He also had a light tan, which was a major improvement over the movie also. _I have died and gone to hell._

**Eh?** Oh, she was referring to the fact that this elf was so dang fine and yet he was an elf and gonna kill her. Or so she thought. He wasn't gonna kill her. Yet.

"I am soooo sorry! I wouldn't have talked to your, uh…" She blushed even harder.

And Legolas smiled. _Oh… my…_ That was the most gorgeous smile the world had ever seen. _I'm melting!_ Ding dong, the witch is dead…

"I believe the twins have misled you." Autumn blinked.

"Huh?"

His smile grew even broader. "You were misled. You were acctually talking to Pippen."

Autumn's relief could have flooded Alaska, but then, **fire**. "They are going to die…" she muttered. Her eyes had gotten huge and her teeth were bared, her clenched knuckles whiter than snow. _What monster have I created?_ Was Legolas' thought. Thankfully, before blood could be shed, Gandalf approached.

"Greetings, Lady Autumn." **Fire out.** "I trust you are well?"

"Quite. But when we return, the twins will not be." Was her reply to the ancient wizard.

He chuckled well naturedly. "Yes, yes. They are rather mischievous elves." Before the conversation continued however, Elrond's approach was heralded.

And the whole scene with him being all regal was repeated, except, without the sitting. _Waaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhahahahahahahahahhahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!_

"Upon each of you blahblahblah, no oath blahblah is laid. Blahblahlahbittyblerg. Good Blahblah your blerg." _Sounds dirty._ You dirty, dirty girl! _Mwughahahahahahahahaha!_

"The fellowship awaits the ring bearer."

And so the journey was begun. How…. Interesting.

**Legolas' POV**

It's a good thing that Elves are good liars. Those twins should have just told her that it was Pippen.

**Narrator**

Yes! It was indeed Legolas' crotch that Autumn conversed with! And she doesn't know it! Victory! And I just loooove how elves cannotresist comfortinga maiden in distress. And the white little lie would have been Aragorn's crotch. Can you tell me how bad the twins are?

**Authors Note- I love the evilness of the twins. They are the awesomest. And I am in love with… Tom Welling! Oh, and Legolas. He's hot too. And tall. But Tom… rowl. Heehee. Hottie with a body! Now on the count of three! One… two… three, review!**


	5. spongebob and hookah

**Disclaimer-** _come on, you know you want to, everyone's doing it!_** Fine… I own nothing pertaining to Tolkien.**

**Thank you to my reviewers. As always, you all have made my year. Keep it coming!**

**Angelsfyre1- O.o I am so confoozled as to what you just said there. But I am pretty sure I have the gist. I'm pretty sure that Autumn has short term memory (she is getting a butt-load of issues), so she'll probably forget by Moria. Enjoy!**

**Fk306 animelover- Yes, it was rather embarrassing I imagine. Hope you likey!**

**FallenTruth- Yay! I'm talented! Normally, people just say I'm insane. This makes a nice change. By the way, your story was no hardship to read I'll have you know. Read on!**

**Chapter 5**

**Sponge Bob and Hookah**

_I… hate… rocks!_ Yes, I'm sure. _They… must… die._ They're already dead hon. Oh! Readers!

By about this time, Autumn still had not gotten used to her stick, so she was constantly stubbing her toe or some-such. She was pretty certain that by the time they arrived to their next stop, her toes would be hammered into her foot. Not a lovely prospect.

They had been walking for- _three weeks…_ three days, and Autumn was not feeling too chipper. She felt completely useless! She was bored to tears, wanting to do something. And no one knew any good songs, so whenever she requested a song, they were all really odd. Aragorn and Boromir's was all posy sounding, Gandalf didn't sing, and Legolas' were just… weird. All quiet and romantic, they made her want to start talking like a Mary Sue. Scary. So, no more elfish songs were requested by her. And we won't even mention Gimli's. The only good songs were sung by Merry and Pippen. They were all Tavern songs, so they were interesting and kept on a beat. Autumn had a blast teaching them songs from this world, and they were amused by teaching her their songs.

"I am not singing that song again you weirdoes!" She exclaimed laughingly. "It's embarrassing."

"Oh, come on. Just one more time!" pleaded Pippen.

"Yes, and if you don't, we'll drag on your ankles again!" This from Merry. She sighed in defeat,

"Fine! But no more afterwards. Agreed?"

"Agreed!" They chorused. She took a deep breath, and then began to sing in a booming, swashbuckling voice.

"Ooooooh! Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?"

"Sponge Bob, Squarepants!" The two hobbits yelled back.

"Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!"

"Sponge Bob, Squarepants!"

"If nautical nonsense be something you wish!"

"Sponge Bob, Squarepants!"

"Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!"

"Sponge Bob, Squarepants,"

And I'm relatively certain you remember the rest. The rest of the troupe, not having the endurance of the hobbit duo, had plugged up there ears, or had just taken themselves to a happy place. And over such a good song too! _Spoken like someone who didn't have to sing it nearly fifty times._ Fifty five. I kept count.

But, our enchanting authoress took mercy on Autumn, and she got to teach the terrible two a new song.

"All the old paintings on the tombs  
they do the sun dance, don't you know  
If they move too quick (oh whey oh)  
they're falling down like a domino.

All the bazaar men by the Nile  
they got all their money on a bet  
Gold crocodiles (oh whey oh)  
they snap their teeth on your cigarette.

Foreign types with the hookah pipes say:  
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh  
Walk like an Egyptian.

The blonde waitresses take their trays  
they spin around and they cross the floor  
they've got the moves (oh whey oh)  
they drop your drink, then they bring you more.

All the school kids so sick of books  
they like the punk and the metal band  
When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh)  
they're walking like an Egyptian.

All the kids in the market place say:  
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh  
Walk like an Egyptian.

Slide your feet up the street, bend your back  
Shift your arm, then you pull it back  
Life is hard, you know (oh whey oh)  
so strike a pose on a Cadillac.

If you want to find all the cops  
they're hanging out in the donut shop  
they sing and dance (oh whey oh)  
Spin the clubs, cruise down the block.

All the Japanese with their yen  
the party boys call the Kremlin  
and the Chinese know (oh whey oh)  
they walk the line like Egyptian.

All the cops in the donut shop say:  
Ay oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh  
Walk like an Egyptian  
Walk like an Egyptian."

All was quiet for a moment, then…

"What's a 'hookah pipe'? And what's an 'Ee-gype-she-anne'?" This was, surprisingly, from Sam.

"And is hookah a good pipe weed?" _Gandalf?_ Autumn answered a lot of questions that day.

"Two- three- five… "

All the little children were running around with their sharp, pointy sticks, while the others relaxed and stretched their legs after the tiring trek over hill and dale (_what does that mean by the way?_). And though she couldn't see it, Autumn could hear quite well the dulcet sounds of Boromir getting borne to the ground in full ceremony.

"Oof!" That was Aragorn.

"Play nice, children!" Autumn said in a nasal motherly tone. "It's only funny until someone gets hurt, then it's hilarious."

After she had finished delighting every one with her pearls of wisdom, she zoned out for a moment, until…

Ah! Choir of angles, _Hallelujah! _Legolas is speaking! "Crebain, from Dunland!"

"Hide!" _Damn the harshness of human voices._ Autumn was jerked out of her reverie by some one yanking her off of her rock and under a leafy bush.

**Ba-thump…Ba-THUMP!** Woodsy sent, long blond locks tickling her cheek, hard pectorals pressing against her bosom… The elvin face just inches from her own confirmed it.

_HALLELUJAH!_ She passed out.

_: Autumn…:_ Ah, the beauty of that voice, so mystical and… stuff. _: Autumn…awake:_ Wait a minute, how could she understand that? _I can't, I'm just enjoying it._ Well enjoy no longer!

Her eyes fluttered softly, signaling her awakening… Warning! Mary Sueness; authoress must take drastic action. "Autumn! You're awake!" One after another, the weight of two midgets landed on top of her.

"Woof!" Her eyes snapped open and nearly popped out of their sockets, "Get off! Air is badly needed!"

There was a mad scramble and air rushed into her lungs. "One moment, I had her underneath the bush," _Dirty… thoughts… pervade... mind!_ Dirty, dirty girl! "And the next, she just was gone!" This was an astonished Legolas trying to explain why Autumn had just gone out like a light in his arms to the humans, wizard and dwarf. The hobbits were just gathered around like expectant chickens.

"Well, she seems to be all right." The wizard commented. "But now, we must cross the pass of Caradhras!" _Dun, dun duuuunnn! _

_I… hate… snow._ Yes, I'm sure. _Snow… must…_ Wait a minute; haven't we gone through this before? _I… think… so._ Well then, let's stop now. _O… K._

The tall greenish form of Legolas crept by, infuriatingly enough, on top of the snow. _Damn the lightness of elves! _

Ever since he had approached her to correct the "misconception" (koffkoff unheard by Autumn) laid by the twins, _soon they will perish…_ and he had gotten close enough for her to see his face quite clearly, she had been crushing. He probably should have stayed away and let her keep on thinking that she had talked to his… you know. Because then she wouldn't be blushing every time she saw the smear that she knew to be him.

_Drooooooooooooooooooooooooollllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll._ Down, girl. Now she just wanted to curl at his feet and purr. But, alas (and thank god), this is not a Mary Sue story, so we shall avoid that as best we may. _I'll just pretend._ You do that.

"It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt, over so small a thing. Such a little thing." **Eh?** Oh. Boromir was being tempted.

"Boromir, give Frodo the ring." _Oh, so commanding. _Tart. _You know it._

There was a subdued silence, then… "Of course, I care not." A small chuckle followed, and it seemed to Autumn, now that she was actually experiencing the journey, that that small display of humor held a trace of bitterness and evil. _Must be getting nervous._

Fast forward a few hours. _Snow… is… EVIL!_ WE KNOW! Hem.

The snow had built up to her chest, and she was not pleased. Never before had snow gotten this high before, and when ever it came close, she had been bundled up and playing with friends. Now she was just trudging along in a blizzard with her head bowed. Praying that it would all be over soon.

**Authors Note- I am afraid that this one fell rather flat. But at least I got what I have always wanted. A cliffy! I have always wanted to do a cliffy! And I had a lot of fun adding the "Walk Like an Egyptian" song. My friends and I always sing that song on the bus. Mandy boo just likes it because of the "hookah" reference. It's still a good song though. I think I shall continue adding songs every few chapters. Review and tell me if there are any songs you would like to see. All systems say, GO!**


	6. TMCCYFIDP

**Disclaimer- who says I can't own LotR?**

**Fk306 animelover- you live in Laredo? Lucky twat. Where is Laredo by the way? And yes, it does suck to be buried under snow, and I should know as I live in Alaska! That's kind of why I based Autumn in New York. I hope you like this chapter as much as my brother would if he actually deigned to read it (hint, hint Seth).**

**Angelsfyre1- You work at a law firm? Neat! Do you get to sue the pants off any one? Huh, huh? Hem, control thyself Goergiana, wooooooossssaaaaaaaa… hope you like this one.**

**ArwenEvanstar83- tomatos are red? I've always assumed them to be purple. And you reviewed a bit late honey, for chapter 4. but it all works out. And I'll try to live up to your expectations. What does Namarie mean, by the way?**

**Dreamzone- Yay, a new reader! And yes, actually, that has been mentioned once or twice. But if it makes people laugh, who cares? There's too little humor in the world for my taste. And thank you for the advice; I'll take a peak at the rulebook again. No one recommended any songs any way, so no big loss. Sniff. That was Autumn. Read on!**

**FallenTruth- yes, snow can be extremely bad (especially when you have to shovel it), but sometimes it can be very relaxing. If your inside and bundled up in a blankie, with a warm cup of tea and a good book that is, but, no biggie. Must… kill… oops! Gotta write. The call of the wild is just too strong to resist. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 6**

**The Many Creepy Crawlies You Find in Dark Places**

And so they marched. Inching closer to the end of their days- _I think I lost my legs somewhere back a mile…_ for god's sake, I'm trying to be dramatic here! Hem. It appears that the cold had affected many minds. _I wonder if they have yellow snow here._ … I rest my case.

"There is a fell voice on the air," Wait, where is the angel song? _They got lost somewhere with my legs._ Ah, I see. Well, This was said by Legolas, followed by Gandalf's bellowing like a wounded bull, "It's Saruman!" cue rock fall. _Ow, where'd that come from?_ _**The heavens have decided to punish thee!** Well that sucks._ Ahem! Can we get back to the story! **_Sorry._** Thank you.

Autumn was beginning to wish that the people would just decide to go into Moria and just get them out of this hellish freeze. _I wish I had a pie right now._ Okay then. What she said.

Gandalf heaved his not-so-considerate bulk onto the snow beside Legolas, somehow managing to stand as lightly as an elf. _Magic?_ No, special effects and wood. He raised his staff and began chanting in a strong baritone,

_**I do not know what I am supposed to say, because the movie was too hard for the authoress to understand, and she is too lazy to get up off her arse and look it up!**_

This, of course, was said in a mysterious language that made it sound way cooler. But his voice was soon over powered by an answering call from the south, growing stronger and clearer every moment.

_**I like turkey! Turkey is good, and so is pie! Weeble and Bob are the awesomest eggs in the universe and all must know this. Burgle flickle! Fear the wrath of snow!**_

A jagged bolt of lightning shot down from the heavens and struck the peak of Caradhras in a feeble attempt to put it out of its misery. While the mighty mountain didn't die, the gods did succeed in dumping a load of snow onto the alarmed travelers.

_Ack! Snow is evil, get it away! _Autumn began doing the cleverest and genius thing that no Mary Sue could have done. She panicked. "Gah! Get me out of here, HELP! Ahdoanoeye, ahoounooeye!" Snow had some how wormed its way into her mouth (gee, I wonder how), and had rapidly turned into an icy cold snow ball that froze her tongue.

A hand plunged into the snow and hauled her into the frigid air. It was Gimli. "Ahg, ukeag! Ehshob!" **_We need translations._** Yes we do.

**Translation for the first blab:** "I don't want to die! I'm too young to die!"

**Translation for the second blab:** "Gah put me back! It's cold!"

There we go. It took a little bit for the snow to melt, but, while this happened, the strong, macho men argued over where to go and all that stuff. "Frodo?"

_Hurry up and tell us to go to Moria!_

"We will go through the mines." _Yay! Not, that, I like the idea of Gimli being sad but… oh shut up!_ At least it's warmer. _Exactly._

Autumn was pretending interest in Gimli's bragging about his cousin's home, while creeping along the wall and doing her best to avoid any rocks that might be in her way. Unsuccessfully I might add. _No help are you._ Try using your stick. _What's it look like I'm doing?_ I don't know, I can't see you. "Dwarf doors are invisible when closed." Gimli said proudly, tapping incessantly at the rock wall with his axe.

"Yes Gimli, even their own masters cannot find them. If their secrets are forgotten." Called Gandalf from the front of the line.

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" Legolas muttered. Gimli fumed in silence for a moment.

Autumn's attention had wandered off at this point, thinking about how nice it would be if she had her glasses with her. She didn't want to go home just yet, even though it was an all around weird world, she just wasn't ready for the blinding city she had been born in. She just wished she had her glasses. When she had asked about getting those, she had been gently let down, being informed that they had not the technology or the time to create such a thing.

A gasp of wonder and delight shone through her thoughts. "The walls, of Moria!"

Autumn looked up and saw a gigantic mass of crap brown. _Oh, now that's just wrong._ Well I did warn you that this would leave the script somewhat.

Instead of hugging the walls as she had been doing, she distanced herself from it, staying to the center of the path as much as possible.

Fast forward some more.

I'm gonna take a nap now. Gandalf had been digging through his brain for a long while now. Trying to find the incantation that would gain them entry into the caves. At the beginning, after the first few spells, he had brightened and looked at Autumn hopefully. She had been standing near enough to see him, so she shrugged helplessly. She should have been able to tell them the password just like that, but noooooo, she had to… _I forgot okay? _What ever. _Sheesh. _

She settled herself into a ball, trying to remember what the password was, in the process, forgetting the dangers of the lake at her back. After an hour, or so went by, Frodo looked up, with a dawning light of understanding in his eyes. "It's a riddle," he said slowly. "What's the elvish word for friend?"

Gandalf looked at him with slight annoyance, just as Autumn sat up in excitement, having just remembered the password. _:Mellon:_ they both said at the exact same time.

And the doors opened slowly, with a lot of grinding and groaning of the ancient hinges and stone. "Oh!" Gandalf exclaimed in surprise and pleasure.

The troupe stepped through the monstrous doors of Moria, Gimli going on about the "fabled hospitality of the Dwarves", only to freeze in horror as they saw the skeletons of the brave miners. And there approached another difference, the Warden didn't wait for Boromir to complain as to how they should never have come here. Autumn turned white as marble when memory bashed her in the gut, but by then it was too late. Frodo's cry of shock pierced the air, as Sam sliced at the slimy tentacle that gripped the ring bearer's ankle and called out, "Strider, help!"

The fellowship dashed in roaring, including Autumn, who couldn't really do much, or could she?

Even more tentacles shot out and slapped away the other hobbits, continuing to drag Frodo in as he screamed in fright. And just then, the brave and glorious figure of Autumn shot in, and did the most idiotic thing that the world could imagine.

"Die, gromf!" She sank her teeth into the tentacle that held Frodo, and hung on doggedly as the Octopus wannabe shook it around like a human would if a squirrel bit his hand and did not intend to let go. Except this particular squirrel didn't have rabies. I think. Frodo fell and was caught by the waiting arms of Aragorn. But Autumn still did not let go! The warden ignored the fleeing comrades yelling for Autumn to let go and just run, and continued to shake its arm violently.

Finally, the whipping around was too mush for the stupid retard to handle, and she flew off and into the cave, landing not so gracefully and rolling a few feet into a pile of bones. The doors slammed shut behind the others as they stared in shock at the weird girl that had tried to make a meal out of the biggest water animal in the entirety of Middle Earth.

"I think I've broken something," Came the amazingly clear voice of Autumn. "Ew!" A dwarf's cracked hip bone flew away from the bundle that was her.

The terrible two gave a cry of relief. "Are you alright?" "You scared me to death!" "Is any thing broken?" "If you ever do any thing like that again, we'll kill you!" They had run up to her, and were alternating between hugging her and shaking her, crying and yelling in her ear.

Fast forward **again** from this touching moment.

_On the road again, oh I can't wait to get on the road again!_ They were walking again, and had been doing so for- _a grand total of_ _two days._ Actually, she wasn't too far off. Although time down here has no meaning, it seemed to be very nearly two days.

Every one had been traveling over bridges, upstairs, downstairs, edging along precipices, and even through some mazes. They had barely stopped to rest and eat, and the little hobbits were flagging. Pippin even more so than Merry, had been slipping down the stairs, and Frodo was looking tired and heavy. _Poor guy's, I wish there was something I could do. **Oh, but there is…**_ came the sly tone that was not our Authoress' weird interjections.

_What the…?_

_**You can take the burden from their shoulders… they are weary, can you not see it? They need to go back to their home, before they are hurt…**_

… _Maybe I just got some more issues. Oh, well._

…_**. What?**_

Autumn ignored this new voice, assuming that it was just her weirdness trying to take over her mind.

She bumped into the solid back of Legolas _Hallelujah!_ Well, looks like the angels are back. Confused, she peered around him, trying to see what was going on. A useless endeavor.

"I have no memory of this place…" _oh boy._

"Merry,"

"What?"

"I'm hungry."

They had been sitting around for an hour now (does that sound familiar), and had yet to hear Gandalf make his announcement. For a while he had been sitting there, and Autumn had been going to go over there and tell him where to go, but Frodo had gotten there first. So she waited, then remembered that the end of the conversation, Gandalf would have figured it out, so she left it alone.

She yawned and curled into a ball, readying herself for a nap. _So… sleepy… ZzZzZzZzZz…_ "Ah, it's that way." _Dammit._

They crept down the long flight of stairs, down… down… down. Until finally, they emerged into a humongous cavern. "Let's us risk a little more light." The measly little firefly that Autumn had assumed was Gandalf's staff brightened. And even she had to gasp in wonderment. For, although her eyesight was as bad as ever (probably even more so), the shear mass of the room shocked her. The light was a pure white, and there wasn't much color, so shadows created what she needed to get an idea as to what the room actually looked like. Tall pillars that twenty men couldn't circle, taller than the twin towers had been, and more magnificent than the great wall of china, this was a room of the great wonders of the world. "Welcome, to the great dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf."

"Now that's an eye opener and no mistake." _Sam talks! _Yes, It looks like it. And it looks like Frodo's been keeping quiet as well. We'll try to remedy that.

They walked again _WE KNOW!_ Fine, say it, don't spray it.

Autumn probed the stick around the floor, realizing as she went along, that since there wasn't much color to choose from, it was easier to see. Just black and white to look out for. She cheered mentally until she was interrupted by Gimli's shout and clanking away. "Gimli," Gandalf snapped.

Moans of despair floated over to them. And Autumn clattered over to their general direction. She found the doors to the tomb with minimal fuss, and hurried over to the shaking frizzy red and steel form that was Gimli. She knelt beside him and comforted him to the best of her abilities, wishing that there was something that she could do for the son of her friend and the dwarf who had saved her life up on that wretched mountain. "I'm so sorry Gimli," She murmured, feeling useless. "It's gonna be okay. At least he died defending the place he loved." **_My how poetic, sometimes, I impress myself._** Shut up Authoress.

Gandalf's voice rose over the dwarfs sorrow, and Autumn, remembering the movie, stood up and hurried over to the hobbits, whispering to Frodo, "Get Pippin over here." He nodded and trotted over to the wary mischief maker, and pulled him over to the group under Autumns arms. _If I can't keep Gimli from crying, I will save them any more heartache._ Unnoticed by her, Pippin was shifting uncomfortably, and grimacing at Merry, who just looked at him, confused. He was bouncing now, ignored by Gandalf who continued to read, and weirding out Merry who was starting to edge away from him.

"They are coming." Gandalf said in a doom voice.

Bbbbbbbbbbbvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttt! A foul smell accompanied this noise, echoing throughout the caverns and holes that riddled Moria. Every one froze, staring open mouthed at the hapless hobbit, standing there with his head down. That's when they heard the voices.

"Who did that!" **_Thou shall be known as voice #1!_**

"It was me!" **_voice #2!_**

"No, it wasn't, it was me." **_I have now given up._**

The croaky voices continued, arguing over who had made that foul stench. Until they broke off with laughter, finally stopping altogether. Every one breathed a sigh of relief.

Gandalf rounded on the shivering hobbit. "Fool of a Took! That nearly burnt my nose off." Evidently, the armored corpse on the edge of the well agreed, because it tipped backwards and clattered down, creating an even louder noise than Pippin's fart.

**Boom. **

"Frodo," a blue shine grew in the corner of Autumns eye.

_Ah, shit. _Boromir ran over to the doors as Autumn started rolling on the floor with laughter, peeking out, and almost immediately yanking his head out of the way of two arrows.

"They have a cave troll."

"Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Autumn was laughing for some unknown reason. And the hobbits were dragging her back further into the room and were arming themselves to protect her.

_We can't have that, can we?_ She hauled herself onto her feet, still giggling and grasped her stick, ready to whack some Goblin skulls.

"Let them come. Let them still see that there is one dwarf that still draws breath in Moria." Growled Gimli, now that he had gotten over the initial shock of seeing that his cousin had died, he was now ready to wreck some havoc.

The air grew closer and tenser, even Autumn stopped snorting, until the doors slammed open, and arrows whistled through the air, cutting down the foul beasts as they came on. The hobbit's and Autumn got bored quickly, and, yelling their war cry, threw themselves into the onslaught.

Autumn was swinging her stick around with no real purpose, and pretty soon, got a long cut down her arm. _Oh no, you didn't!_ The transformation came quickly, turning her into the animal that had appeared when she had found out that the twins had messed with her head. Her eyes got as big as dinner plates and dilated, her teeth bared and she let out a scream rather like an enraged squirrel. Her knuckles got all white, and she went at it tooth and claw. Or, rather, fist and stick.

**Pop, wok, bam, thwack!** Goblins fell away with bent helmets and broken noses, one unlucky ugly got a rock shoved down his throat, another got her stick up his nose. PMS reigned, and there was no denying it. "DIE, STUPID **BLEEP**BRAINS!"

Sam seemed to be having a good time also, slamming his weight around with a pan, and was accounting for as many of the foe as Autumn. "I think I'm getting the hang of this." **Bong!**

An angry roar shook the room, or maybe it was the footsteps of the giant muddy grey bulk that smashed the walls down in his rush to get into the room. It took one look at the little ant in his way and whirled his club through the air, bringing it down to where Sam had been a moment before. It immediately went after anything in its line of sight, and that included goblins. "Whoooraaaaaaaaaagh!" There were free flying lessons for two. Even Boromir got to experience the fun. _Even got free blood, lucky bum._

She could suddenly hear the three little hobbits cry out in fear and got even angrier. "Glhgerahfuyap!"

**Translation for gab:** "Glhgerahfuyap!"

This was about the point where Frodo was being attacked. And even though she couldn't see him, she was drawn to where he was without even thinking. "Coming guys!" she yelled. She struck out savagely at an ugly fellow that got in her range of vision.

"Help, Strider, Gandalf, Autumn!" Came the desperate voices of the hobbits.

"So finally you get to me. Keep shouting!"

"Aragorn, Aragorn!" _shit, don't panic Frodo!_

A howl of annoyance range out, that was Frodo stabbing the troll's hand. And she could hear Aragorn cry out his elfish words._ :stupid, stupid rat creatures: _(1)

And even that was cut off with the troll's sweeping club. _:Oof. :_

And then, there seemed to be a lull in the fight, every one looked over to where Frodo must be. And then, for the briefest moment, Autumn forgot that she knew, forgot that she had indeed seen this before. Forgot her true home.

Rage and sorrow filled her heart, sending her into the huddled goblins, stick flailing. And far in the south, **she **laughed, rejoicing in the fact that her mission would soon be carried out.

**Authors Note- I would have made this chapter far longer, but I started getting all twitchy, so I'll just leave it as a semi cliff hanger. And I talked to my dad and he reminded me how to spell my name. It's actually Georgianna. Glerg, now I have to fix it. Oh, and I now have a new story out, it's called Stick Figure, and it's in the Legend of Zelda area. Read it and tell me what you think? Hopefully it will get better and cooler, although the character is really cool any ways. Go Vivian! Review time!**

**(1) look into the graphic novel Bone it is really funny and extremely good. There you shall find the stupid rat creatures, grasshopper.**


	7. shiny with a tictac

**Disclaimer- all I own is my cat and even that is kinda iffy.**

**Fk306 animelover- er, I think I'll stay in Alaska. It has a nice summer, as long as you have mosquito magnet. I'm sorry about the forest; hopefully you'll be able to see many in your life just as beautiful.**

**Sugarontop1- why thank you! _I do not behave in a beastly manner._ Yes you do, _I do not._ Then tell that to Legolas. (Autumn starts chasing the poor elf) _I do not behave in a beastly manner!_ "It wasn't me, I swear! It's all in that crazy reviewers head!" I happen to think 'that crazy reviewer' is rather nice. Any hoot, hope you like this chapter! "Ow! Stop that!" (Autumn is hitting Legolas' excellent butt with her stick) _Die evil sexy elf!_**

**FallenTruth- Yay! You have to be my most faithful reviewer! I so love you! And you were actually right about the name. Georgianna is my middle name, heehee! And I am glad that you got an idea from me. Love, love to the world!**

**Jfjkf- that's an interesting name. Thank you so very much, I am enjoying writing this, even if it's not really owned by me, but the world has its limits. Enjoy this chapter!**

**Chapter 7**

**Shiny With a Tic-Tac…**

The goblins were retreating. The victory that Autumn felt was smothered by confusion. She had forgotten for a moment that she already knew that this was going to happen. _What the hell?_

"I'm all right, I'm not hurt." Frodo gasped. He looked like he wasn't sounding too comfortable though, whatever he might say.

"You should be dead," Aragorn said incredulously, Autumn would have given anything to see his face at this point. "That spear would have skewered a wild boar."

"But he's not a boar," Autumn said grinning at one of the pillars as Legolas reached over and directed her head. "He's a hobbit. Much better looking."

Sam glared at her as Gandalf hobbled forward on his stick. "I think there's more to this hobbit than meets the eye." Autumns smile grew broader as she listened to the gasps of wonder from the fellowship.

"Mithril," murmured Gimli in awe. Then he cleared his throat and said in a gruff tone, "You're full of surprises, Master Baggins."

**Flashback**

_The group crept silently down the halls, following the light of Gandalf's staff, soon arriving at a precipice. They all knew that if they took one wrong step, they would either fall to their doom, or raise the goblins that now inhabited the caves._ I know a song that gets on every body's nerves…_ "The wealth of Moria was not in gold. Nor jewels; but, Mithril." He allowed his staff to glow a little brighter for a moment, displaying the cavernous hole burrowing deep into the earth. Even Autumn could see the shining veins of metal-like substance. They moved on after a moment. "Bilbo had a set of Mithril rings, that Thorin gave him." Gandalf continued._

"_Oh!" exclaimed Gimli. "That was a kingly gift."_

"_Yes, I never told him, that the worth of those rings was greater than the shire."_

_For some unexplainable reason (to the others) Autumn found this hilariously funny. She had to be gagged before she raised any ruckus. _

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahah! I know something you don't know!

**End of flashback.**

Everyone's attention was dragged back to the issue at hand, with the shrieks of goblins echoing through the halls. Every one began to haul butt. _I am so not in shape!_

She didn't have to run far. In just a few moments, their flight was halted by the thousands of goblins that surrounded them in an old fashioned but efficient pincer movement. Autumn clapped her hands over her ears and groaned as the shrieks grew louder and louder, nearly piercing her eardrums. Gimli hefted his axe menacingly, shouting his own battle cry. "Garr!"

An answering growl overpowered the goblins yells. They started screaming for a different reason, turning tail and crawling back to whatever hell-hole they came out of. "Hah, hah!" snorted Gimli in derision of the fleeing monsters. Autumn could vaguely see an angry red glow making its way towards them.

Every one gathered together like frightened geese, "What is this, new devilry?" Murmured Boromir, in a voice that seemed to blame everyone for his troubles. Another rumble reverberated throughout their bones. _I wonder if his breath really smells like fire. _God what a moron.

Gandalf was silent for a moment, lost in thought and sorrow. Then his voice floated to their ears. "A Balrog, a demon of the ancient world." Another rumble. "This foe is beyond any of you, **run!**"

"Running," called Autumn hefting her stick and sprinting away.

A hook magically sprouted from the wizards staff and hooked onto Autumns collar, dragging her back. _Yrg!_ "Wrong way!" cried Gandalf anxiously. The fellowship proceeded to run for all they were worth, some not even knowing what a Balrog even was, but the fear of the others gave them wings on their feet. Autumn was running behind the hobbits, with the intent to pick them up if they slowed down.

_Which is first, stairs or Balrog?_ They arrived at a very crooked looking set of stairs. _Oh._ Legolas jumped the gap first, then Gandalf. Then, contrary to the movie, Gimli grabbed Autumns arm and leaped across, dragging her with him. "My father would never forgive me if I let you die," he muttered ungallantly. Merry and Pippin hopped across.The arrows shot from the side; one of them nearly got Frodo and Sam's feet, another grazed Gandalfs cheek. It was time for… **_Super Psycho Autumn!_** She swooped down, picked up a rock and positioned herself in the age-old baseball look. "Merry! I need your eyes, spy me a goblin." He screamed out their location and Autumn tossed up the rock and, **whammo!** _Home run, folks!_ The terrible two cheered excitedly as a thunk and scream rang out.

"You got him right in the schnozzle!" they yelled together. A few more of the others joined them on the lower stairs. Autumn sweated nervously as she heard the crash of stone as the stairs separated the group from each other. _Let them make it, please, wait a minute… of course they will! I forgot again. I wonder if they have any ginko here._

And, true to the story, they all survived. _More running, yay!_

They all rounded a corner and Gandalf counted them as they passed, but when it was Autumns turn, the fire/shadow monster made his appearance. And he was not pretty. Autumn clutched Gandalfs arm, trying to pull him away, but they both froze in horror as the Balrog pushed his face up close and roared. "Whoa, hasn't the Balrog nation been introduced to tic-tacs?" Then they could run.

Gandalf pushed Autumn ahead of him as they approached the bridge, and after a few feet, Gandalf did the most courageous and stupid thing that a Wizard could do. He turned around. "You cannot pass." He shouted firmly. The beast snorted derisively as Autumn shakily made her way across the bridge. She could hear the noise of a fiery sword crash against Gandalfs light. Her heart wrenched at the old mans cry of defiance. "You shall not pass!" The cracking of rock as his wizardly staff smote the bridge surface echoed mightily throughout the halls. Silence for a moment, and the beast stepped forward in challenge. You know what happened next. He fell, and Autumn spun around and hurried back to the old man, intending to get him out of there as fast as possible. The whip slashed up and pulled him down and Autumn threw herself down on the ground, grasping his arms.

"Let me go," he whispered.

"Are you crazy?" gritted Autumn angrily, "Frodo does not need this. None of them need this."

"You cannot alter the future," he muttered back. "Who knows what might have changed in this few moments? Fly fool!" Autumn let go with a cry of shock and pain as he sent magic to burning her hands.

She swore violently as he fell down, along with her stick. But, ironically, the stick came flying back up into her hands. "Oh, that's nice!" she shouted. "You won't let me save you, but you'll save my stick? That's real nice." Someone yanked on her arm and dragged her out of the cursed place.

They had run after, fleeing down the mountainside after Aragorn threw a hasty bandage around her palms. He murmured in confusion upon seeing the burns, but had asked nothing. No one looked her way, and she didn't look back. She felt useless, like baggage, she couldn't even hang on to Gandalf because of a little burn. _I should never have come here, I'm not good for anything, and I lost Gandalf._ But, in retrospect, Gandalf was right. She couldn't maneuver the future to her whim, and he wouldn't have wanted her to try. _Whose side are you on?_ I'm on no side; he was right, that's all there is to it. _Whatever._

Amusement bubbled through her veins like a strong wine. Today was a good day. That foolish girl was forgetting her home, and that would put the fellowship at a greater disadvantage then ever. Her task would be over, and she could take her place at the feet of Sauron; as his friend, his confidant, his lover. She wasn't ambitious, like Saruman. She had watched the foolish toad, wanting to be equals with the greatest lord to grace the earth. He would be disposed of in due time. Her master had assured her of that. She would be his, he had said, and his alone. That was all she wanted. All she had ever wanted. She stared into the palantir; into the eye of Sauron, letting his whispers flow throughout her mind. Yes, today was a very good day.

**Authors Note- the chapters rather short, but I finally got to add the evil entity that I've been craving. She's a horny little turd, eh? Reviews are now welcome, and if you guess who she is by the time they meet face to face (Autumn and mystery girl); you'll get this lovely imaginary Viper! Chrome trimming, to. Review, now!**


	8. shiny happy pple

**Authors Note- (is bonked by a randomly appeared Snape) I AM SOOOO SORRY! Pleeeeeeaaassseee forgive me. I have some really bad writers block and I only just got back my keyboard. _Stupid Stepdad._ Don't let him hear you say that. Onward!**

**Disclaimer- I no owny!**

**Fk306 animelover- Your wish is ever my command.**

**Dreamzone- Any amount of talking is the awesomest, no reviews whatsoever is what would disappoint me. Thanks for reviewing and reading!**

**SAGA123- I LUVS IT TO! YAY!**

**Ugluk Shagrat- Thank you for writing that story, I loved it (peoples, look these peeps up, they are the AWESOMEST!) read on.**

**FallenTruth- Yay! You have arrived back to my little world! And as for your guess; close, but no cigar.**

**Chapter 8**

**Shiny Happy People Holding Hands**

Aragorn gestured for the troupe to make haste across the grasslands separating them from their destination. The little hobbits pushed on the back of her legs to keep her going the right direction. "I don't know what I've been told…" Autumn muttered under her breath.

Legolas grinned, but she couldn't see that. Oh no, she left her glasses behind. Isn't it grand? _Shut up._ Never!

**Thok!**

_Tree._ That had to hurt. A tree had loomed out of the veil mist and introduced itself abruptly to the grim girl. _Obviously._

The light around her dimmed gently to a golden green glow; they had arrived to Lothlorien woods. And Autumn's lovely welcome was, tripping over a tree root! Oh, wow. **_Hello, child. _**"Hi."

The whole party stopped and stared at her. "What?"

"You just said hello to thin air." Said Boromir, Aragorn sidled up to her and furtively checked her pupils.

"No, I didn't. Some…" **_They cannot hear me love._** "Oh, I gotcha." **_ You may want to stop speaking out loud, you are making them nervous._** Autumn then realized that the hobbits had abandoned her legs and had huddled around that she assumed to be Gimli. "Sorry," she muttered and began walking again. _Hi. **Hello.**_ The voice was that of a female and tinged with amusement. _Soo… who are you?** You know who I am. You just do not know it. **How does that work? _The voice laughed gaily. _** You will understand soon. **Do you like monkeys?_

**Frodo's POV**

**_I love monkeys very much._** What in the Valar's name? **_Oops!_**

**Back to the Narrator**

_**I simply cannot hold two conversations at once. Would you excuse me? **Sure._

**Frodo's POV again**

The voice came back, sounding wise and mysterious, quite different from the silly one that had appeared out of nowhere saying that she liked monkeys, what ever those where. **_Frodo, _**Gimli was speaking of an evil witch, and it sounded like Autumn was holding back snorts of laughter. **_You are coming to us. _**Coming to whom? **_ These are the footsteps of doom. You bring great evil with you, ring-bearer. _**"… and are never seen again." Autumn was choking.

**Narrator**

Gimli puffed up a little and declared gruffly into the ears of who ever was listening, "Well; here's one dwarf she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox… oh!" That was it. Autumn couldn't take it anymore. As soon as she had felt the tip of an elvish arrow at her temple, she dropped to the ground convulsing with hysterics.

"Your dwarf breathed so loudly we could have shot him in the dark." Murmured the dignified elf; glancing oddly at the human girl who seemed to find this so comical.

After the fellowship had undergone interrogation (the newbie elves avoided the girl grinning like the Cheshire cat) they blindfolded them all at the expense of one of the elves getting an odd squinting stare from Autumn. When he asked why she had done that, he got the reply, "Stick to your own business." Poor guy.

And so they moved on, with the hobbits stumbling a bit and Legolas complaining loudly as to, "I am a fellow elf, how can you not trust _me_? Oh, this is an out rage!" Autumn was enjoying her conversation with the disembodied voice. She had been left without a blindfold after the elves had been informed that they would not need to, she was already blind enough (although, it seemed that the sentries were pleased not to have to go near her except to keep her from smashing into trees).

**Authors note- I'm SO SORRY! I cannot complete this chapter as alas, my brain is leaking out of my ears and I am otherwise preoccupied with writing my first chapter of Catastrophoulos. WOOT! Original novel of my own, how sweet is that? Check it out some time. Same name, LOOK AT EEEEET!**


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